Kinda sucks that this is the first post on my new blog but, oh well.

I'm not happy. One friend....only one. In a 30 mile radius...one friend. I'm putting myself out there! I'm about to start going to a new church, I'm applying for jobs and I'm about to finish my school application so I'm not just sitting idly by watching the world pass. I'm being proactive! I talk to people I haven't talked to in months! I apply for jobs that I'm freaking afraid of and I'm already out of my comfort zone. I'm not sure how I managed to lose someone as a friend when, last time I checked they were planning on visiting me in Austin and that was only two months ago. Can things really change that fast? Can relationships fall apart that fast? Why? This is so stupid! someone says he will call, two days later when he doesn't I text him, and he says he'll call, two days later I'm sitting in the same spot continuing to tell myself that I'm better. I need better. I deserve better. My friends? Slow progress. My church? Don't have one yet. I'm looking intently though. I don't want to be involved in a bunch of things that I don't even want to do! I want get fed. I've been pouring for two years and now is my chance to rest and people start asking me to do stuff! Things that I've said time and time again that I don't feel called to do and I straight up don't want to do them. Why it possessed them that right after I graduate I would want to get involved in a ministry that I barely support. Kids ministry is great yes. Me working with kids ministry not so great. For the kids or me. I'll get drained easily. Can't I just rest?!?!?!?! No, No subbing. No fill in. I don't want any part of it. I just want to be. Is that too much to ask for? People are nagging me. Pressuring me. Volunteering is something that I want to want to be a part of. Not someone voluntelling me to do something. I'm freaking 20! Let me make some of my own decisions!